Struggling

The melancholy’s been deepening again. School holidays tend to do that. The combination of constant demand and sensory overload, the social isolation, the disrespect of my boundaries, the lack of support, and inevitable conflict. The good news about the NDIS that just sparks sadness about everything I’ve been through, without help, and the damage it’s done.

This school holiday also lines up, just at the end, with the anniversary of my father’s death.

And something else. Something I don’t think I can write about, yet.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to. Not about things this heavy. I’m still grieving the friendship I damaged when I fell apart earlier. It’s intense when everything is a lot and I have nobody.

So that’s in there as well.

I’ll try to find the things that were good today:

• Swimming was nice. Not too crowded. Did 2.2km, mostly freestyle. A little bit of butterfly and some individual medleys. And some continuous tumbleturns at the end for vestibular input.
• Really enjoyed the sauna afterwards. Stayed in a while. Made it decently hot.
• Cold shower afterwards. Felt nice. Afterwards. Not during.
• Got the stains out of the rug. I don’t know why I felt like I needed to do that. I just wanted to be able to right something that was wrong.
• Did some colouring. It’s nice to colour.
• Got my husband to take my child to go buy a birthday present for his friend so we’re ready for his birthday party tomorrow.
• Mopped the kitchen floor. I’ve been meaning to for a while.

I’m working on things. The grief, the conflict, being my own friend when nobody else is there, defending my boundaries, feeling my sadness. I’m still here.