Last night I wrote some stuff about what happened this year. I didn’t publish it, but it was organised into a sort of timeline, so it helped me figure out some things.
It made it clear when I first started to feel like I had to fix my trauma, urgently, or there’d be serious consequences. When I first started to feel unacceptably broken.
Two things happened, and they were both because I kept having to visit the emergency department. The first is that I got scared about how this was affecting my son. The second is that I felt some distance grow between me and a dear friend.
Both things freaked me out, and I responded by isolating myself and working harder on my trauma. That was not a good idea.
The more I isolated myself and worked on my trauma, the more trauma symptoms I developed. The more trauma symptoms I developed, the more I isolated myself and worked on my trauma.
So, fuck this noise, I’m out. New plan: party hard.
Only, actual partying isn’t likely right now. I broke a lot of things, and social functioning is one of them.
“Partying” for now is accepting the willpower paradox and the horrible consequences and just… gonna fucking wag, man. I’m ditching this absolute bullshit. Gonna skive off, might fuck with my negativity bias a while, I heard there’s this thing called fun, might check it out.
Anyway, time to low-key orient myself towards positive things in my environment and my self:
- I got up to 174 RPM during the final sprints at super fun happy bike torture. Previous best was 165 RPM. It was… unsustainable. But still! Go fast legs, go!
- I finally found a moment to photograph that lavender I keep seeing in the sunlight and not having time to get a picture of.
- I found something I suspected could be Giant Pine Scale and reported it to PIRSA. They said it’s not Giant Pine Scale. I didn’t beat myself up for being a dumbarse. I just felt relieved.
- I went to the shops full of people and I finally managed to get new bed sheets as ours TORE and I strongly suspect that means it’s time to replace them.
- I also got some paper for the printer, which I’ve been meaning to do for several months.
- I got some groceries, which I’ve been having trouble doing, what with all the people, and the doing.
- I ate some fruit and vegetables. I drank more water.
- I ate some sugar but I didn’t get carried away.
- The second I had the shop bullshit out of the way I disappeared up Anstey Hill. I have way too many photographs to go through, as usual.
- I saw not one, but TWO lizards. TWO! They were little and fast. I got ONE photo and it’s… it’s OK I guess.
- I put the laundry away again, that’s two days in a row. Streak!
- I even PUT the new bed sheets on the bed, and the other new ones away.
- And I emptied the bins! And cleaned out the fridge!
- I cooked a food. It wasn’t spectacular, but it was better than failing entirely.
- I noticed something in the distance of a photo I took and OH OH OH I KNOW THOSE TREES ITS THE QUARRY LAKE HI QUARRY LAKE (I checked, it IS the quarry lake)
- Shut down a flashback. Noticed some troubling shit. And that’s all I did. “Notice that?” Now to see what happens next. *smug face*
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