I had an upsetting thought today. I was going through photos and saw things from this time last year. And I was making things, and starting to kind of… heal. Not from trauma, just from the isolation of motherhood.
But it was sad for two reasons. One is that my trauma damaged the friendship that was driving a lot of that healing. And two is that I’m way too far through a year that was supposed to be about more of that sort of healing.
Fuck that willpower paradox, hey.
Obviously, the trauma thing happened. Then triggers that caused me to work harder, and harder, and harder on that. And now, well… well, I guess I’ve processed a bunch of it. But I sure can’t say I’m healed.
So I decided to fuck about with computers instead. That never causes any problems with my mood. Nope. Because computers are always great, and everything works beautifully, first time, every time.
There are several things I haven’t been able to figure out and I am not at all grumpy about them.
But now’s not the time for grumpy and sad! Now’s the time for The Thing Where Some Things Were Good What Were Those Things Again? Ah yes:
- Nothing amazing on the exercise bike this morning but I had fun. It always feels nice to hit the beat.
- I enjoyed having some toasted banana bread in the morning.
- Had a nice chat with some of the dads at school drop-off. Somehow it reminded me that one of the mums had challenged me to go do some dead hangs, so…
- I went to the bars at Hope Valley Reservoir and did a bunch of dead hangs. I think my grip strength is a problem. I can only do about 15-20 seconds before my left hand goes weird, but I can build on that.
- I enjoyed the view of the reservoir and I took some photos. I’m not really thrilled with the photos but I enjoyed the view anyway.
- I went to Cobbler Creek Recreation Park and failed to follow the trail I set out to do, but had a nice time anyway. I found a big ball of bees.
- I got home in time to move this stuff to this blog and start setting up the other blog for art and photography. I got a little bit grumpy at some things, but that’s… let’s just say not much has actually changed about setting up WordPress in the 6+ years since I set up WordPress. But I’m glad to have done SOMETHING about my photo and art stuff anyway. A start.
- I managed to continue my laundry streak. 4 days!
- Continued to notice my troubling flashback/trigger thing. Just… trying radical acceptance with it, I guess. Trying not to find it hurtful. Trying to figure out what to do instead, what I can do that is acceptable to others. Trying to be OK with the idea that that might be forever.
- Cooked. Nothing exciting again. Still.
- Ate fruit and vegetables. Drank lots of water.
The emotional flashback or trigger thing isn’t a single thing. It’s stuff that started in childhood. I was punished for expressing my emotions in a variety of contexts. I had to walk on eggshells around people. People rejected me from a REALLY young age, and I isolated because I felt safer alone.
Add in some assaults, some mental health trouble, and several decades of the same, and… trying to talk to almost anyone while having a mental health crisis is a trigger by itself!
But anyway, here’s a ball of bees.
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