LOOP

Today was better. Still frustrated about yesterday, and still unsure what to do for now, but… a better day.

Went for a dip in the Highbury Quarry with a friend. It was cold! It wasn’t as cold as it has been, but I’m less adapted to it now. He was more adapted to it because he didn’t stop swimming. But I did… because all my stuff happened.

It was a gorgeous day for it. Really couldn’t have picked a better day. One of the nicest days I’ve had in a long, long time.

Today’s orienting response/negativity bias fuckery:

• It feels SO good to do those 8 clean and presses in a row On. The. Beat.
• Wore my Pokémon leggings. Felt cute.
• Gorgeous, gorgeous sunny day. Not too hot. Just enough bite in the sun on my skin, but not too much.
• So good to see my friend again. So good to do something fun and mess around. Took some photos that I won’t share, but they were fun too. Was nerdy.
• Discussed flying a drone together with my friend.
• Laundry streak now 8 days!
• Updated my photo blog with a few more photos. Didn’t tackle any theme/CSS stuff yet but that’s… I’m getting there.
• Cleaned the car windows a bit. Kind of didn’t have a choice actually thanks to small boy and spit and fingers and circular motions. Gross.
• Finding the physiological sigh much more useful than 4-7-8.
• Had a nice chat with one of the dads at drop off and again at pick up. I think he might be keen for a swim in the quarry lake. I’m gonna work on it.
• Remembered to freeze other zucchini slice I made.
• Listened to some more podcast stuff. Just kind of… interesting listening so far.
• While I still feel overwhelmed, I’m starting to feel like I can chip away at things. It’s better than feeling like everything is so hard that I can barely manage the effort.

I still need to figure out what to do about my husband and my marriage.

My dad first became seriously ill when I had just turned 2. This made both parents unavailable to some degree or another. It wasn’t on purpose, but it was still emotional neglect. It’s especially harmful because of my age at the time.

Dad was physically and emotionally abusive as well, and I seemed to bear the brunt of it. I remember being relieved when he went to hospital. I wasn’t scared of him when he was there, but I was still scared for him. Whenever I was hurt, someone told me it wasn’t his fault. It was because he was sick, and in pain.

I know that’s why I’ve put up with this so long. Because that was “normal” for me growing up. Because all of that told me that my needs don’t matter, and that my feelings don’t matter. And because I was so young when it started, I thought it all meant there was something wrong with me and that I wasn’t lovable.

So when my husband got sick I gritted my teeth and I got on with things. Layers of trauma convinced me I deserved the whole horrible mess. And my mother-in-law was more than happy to remind me that my needs didn’t matter and that my husband was sick.

But I don’t want that to be my life. And I absolutely do not want that for my son.

The problem is, I don’t know how to move from here to what I do want… yet.

I keep asking for, encouraging, and—at times—demanding change. I want to see that he is putting in the effort. I want to see improvement.

But I’ve been waiting a while. I don’t know what I can reasonably expect from him. And I don’t know what timeframe is reasonable. I feel like time is running out. Like there is only any time left because I’ve been unwell too. I think time will run out once I’m well enough to give it one last go.

What happens next?

I expect I’ll be told it’s not his fault. It’s because he’s sick, and in pain.